Just a Mum

One morning last week my 18-year-old daughter and I were having a conversation about life and career goals. This was initiated by her impending high school graduation. It was one of those chats that leads to existential questions about one’s purpose in life. I love those! I love gaining insight into their unique perspectives.

“No offense Mum, but I definitely want to be more than just a Mum,” she stated with the assurance of someone just launching herself into a relationship with this complicated state we call adulthood. I smiled, nodded, understood, and not even a bit of offense was taken at this bold and confident statement. I laughed inwardly because I had said exactly the same thing, in almost exactly the same words to my mum when I was her age. I had really believed them. Of course, she wants more.

I sometimes wish that our children could have known us before we were parents, because there’s no way to explain to your child that there are parts of you that they don’t know. Especially the cool elements that were there long before they were even considered, and which they’d never acknowledge may have existed! I was a career focused feminist who couldn’t conceive of being fulfilled by being ‘just a mum.’ Those parts of me are still there, my ideals and ambition haven’t disappeared, but I had no way of knowing at 18, that once I became a mother, there would be nothing more important or more interesting to me than my family. The relevance of everything else paled into insignificance. I don’t know if that’s a positive thing or not. I’m sure we don’t all have the same feelings and responses to parenthood, and it doesn’t really matter, because we all make decisions based on our own experience and our assessments of what’s best for ourselves and our families. I just don’t care about what it says about me. I don’t mind that some may find me less interesting or believe me less intelligent. It’s not really up for assessment, debate or judgement. It just is.

Having said that, there have been many times in the past that I’ve felt the urge to defend my choice to be a stay at home mum. I tend not to though, because the minute you go there, you come off as either defensive of your own position or critical of others’ choices. I really am not. I have the utmost respect for Mums who manage to juggle full time careers and children at the same time. I think they’re complete rock stars, and I know with utter certainty that I could not have done it. Not well anyway. I would have constantly felt like I was letting one or the other side down. The absolute ideal in my opinion would be to balance part time work with parenting. Those career roles are hard to come by, but then so are most ideal circumstances.

I threw an additional complication into my mix by being an expat wife and mother and moving countries every few years as my husband pursued a global marketing career. It was a wonderful adventure and a choice I’d make again, but it hasn’t been without its trials, and it certainly added another obstacle to balancing parenting and a career.

I’ve had moments of FOMO; I’ve worried about whether I’d be permanently defined by my husband and children. I’ve even felt occasional resentment that my husband has been able to have a great family life and experience the joy of our children whilst simultaneously gaining recognition for building a stellar career. I decided many years ago that for me, the only way to have it all would be to pursue different areas of fulfilment in stages. Interestingly, the raging feminist that resided in me at 18 would have railed against this injustice. She would have declared me a victim of a patriarchal society in which men get to have it all. She still lives here, but she’s an entirely quieter resident, whose voice has been moderated by experience. She realises that this is not a male vs female issue, but rather just a fact of life for both genders. I’ve encountered many expat stay-at-home dads who’ve made the same choices as I have, and the realities are the same for them if they chose this path.

So, my advice to my sons and daughter if they asked for it, would be this:

1. Be very grateful if you are fortunate enough to have the choice of having children. You have been my greatest blessing.
2. Be even more grateful if you have the choice for either yourselves or your partners to be ‘just a mum’ or ‘just a dad’ for a time. Many don’t have this option. Make your decision without guilt, without resentment, and without fear of judgement.
3. Don’t judge others for choosing a different path or worry about their opinions of yours. You know who you are outside of being a partner and a parent and you know your value.
4. Trust that you will find your space and your time to retain, or regain your focus, purpose, and your identity outside of being a parent.
5. Your children may not ‘get it’ unless they one day have their own children, and that’s also okay!